The inevitable question that scares us all more than we’re willing to admit. When I say “who am I,” I mean not just words, definitions, things that describe us. I mean us as in the sum total of who we really are. But how can you figure that out? I don’t have an answer. The only person who does is you. Sometimes we get so caught up in this world that we forget who we are. I do it every day. I lose sight of what is me. I try to become what others want me to be. Everyone does. We are always posing for the next picture. We’re always running from things that hurt us. Confiding in things that will never help us. We’re all guilty. When we lose sight of who we are, when we start living for others, living for this world, every thing falls apart. Little pieces of your life start to crumble. One bit by one bit, everything breaks away. And in the end, you’re not left with much. It’s pain. It’s true pain. It’s scary. But then something clicks in your head, and you have that great realization that this person in the mirror isn’t you. Then you can start remembering who you are. The person who is smiling, not worrying. The person who is friendly, not shy. The person who laughs the loudest at the silliest jokes, not the one watching from afar. The person who lives for God, and doesn’t run from him. The person who is smart. The person who deals with problems, not runs from them. The person who is beautiful, inside and out. That person that is you.
Some say I’m stubborn
Some people say I’m stubborn. I’d like to think that I have a tenacity and will that is becoming. I’d like to think I’m open-minded. Even though there are times where I will stick to what I know best. I’d like to think that sometimes being stubborn isn’t a bad thing at all. But sometimes being so set in my ways is dangerous. I’ll admit it. Which is why I quit being so stubborn about this. I can’t hold a grudge. It never lasts long. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to tell you how I felt. I needed to tell you that I was truly sorry. I needed to quit being stubborn. So I did, and it feels amazing. I’m so glad that I lifted that weight off my shoulders that had been dragging me down. I was carrying this anger, this hatred, for no reason. I don’t hate you, but it was a good front to put on. It helped me hide what I was really feeling: anger, regret, loss, and most of all, pain. It just made me instantly happier when I confronted all of those feelings that were eating me up inside. In fact, I couldn’t stop smiling. I just felt good. I’ve missed you so much. You were such an important person in my life. I told you everything. You were my best friend. And I couldn’t go another day without thinking that I might just be letting that opportunity slip by me. So thank you for believing in me.
Help me understand why..
I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. I am so busy helping other people with their problems that I hardly ever take the time to examine my own. I miss you. I hate you, but for some weird reason, I miss you. I love you too. But I hate you. I know. You don’t have to tell me that it doesn’t make any sense. I know that to some people it doesn’t. But to me, in this moment, it makes perfect sense. I miss talking to you. I miss just being friends. I will never have that back now. I realize this. And this is what scares me the most. The simple fact that I will never get to talk to you in the same way that I did before breaks my heart. It kills me inside. I know I treated you like shit, but, let’s be honest, you treated me pretty shitty sometimes too. I forgive you. I doubt you’ve forgive me. I know when I’m wrong, even though I hate to admit it. And I’m stubborn. I’m moody. But I would bend over backwards to help you, and you know it. But there’s that hatred that I still have for you… But there’s also still that love that I thought I’d never look back on… and here we are, two years later. And I’m still looking back. For what? I don’t know. I know that whatever we had is gone. I know that even the friendship is gone. I feel like I’ve ruined everything. I feel like you’ve put me in the past, but you’re still on my mind. I dwell on you, while you’re dwelling on someone else. I’m wasting my time in the past, while you’re moving forward.. Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. Love? Never. Friends? Doubt it. Enemies? No. But we’re stuck in that space that’s somewhere in between. That awkwardness that I can’t name. I can’t put a face on it. I’m not sure. We’re somewhere. But I don’t know where. So help me understand where we’re at. Please. Help me understand why I haven’t moved on completely.. Why can’t I forget about you? Why can’t I let this go? I never dreamed that I would still be wondering about this. I never though I’d still miss you… Never.
Being Harsh? It’s called being honest…
Which is what no one cares about anymore: honesty. I can’t live in a world of lies. So if you create them, be prepared for me to shut them down immediately. I don’t need it in my life, so why try to put up with it anymore? I try to minimize my pain, but it gets so hard. I try not to bitch people out. I really do. I try to hide everything away because I’m too busy trying to deal with everyone else’s problems. But I’m tired of doing that. It gets exhausting. From now on, I’m focusing on ME. I’m tired of trying to right wrongs that other people have made. I’m tired of trying to reconcile the past. I’m living in the present. That’s what matters to me. I’m not being selfish. I’m doing what’s in my best interest. I’m doing this for me. I can’t hold this in any longer. I just can’t.
Where are we now…?
Where are we now, you say? You and I? Well, we’re no where darling. That’s a fact. We’re someone in-between Heaven and Hell. We’re in that realm that no one really acknowledges, but we all know it’s there. We’re pushing, but we’re pulling for something that doesn’t exist. It’s not there. But we’ll keep lying to ourselves and say that it is.. We’re hopeless. We’re full of it. We’re waiting for that train that only certain people find. We’re hiding behind something that’s not real. We think we’re working with current, but really all we do is fight against it. We’re in between. We’re motionless. We’re stuck. We’re confused. Most of all, yes, we’re confused. Somewhere in this world, our souls are searching. We’ll keep searching ’cause that’s what we’re good at. But we might not find what we’re looking for. Because we’re always looking for the wrong thing. Both of us, we are. We’re a tragedy, you might say. We’re dreaming, my God, are we dreaming darling. We’re full of life, but we’ve lived so little. We’re full of delight, but we’re so dramatic. We’re living on the edge, but it’s not a free fall. There’s just a safety net darling. We’re falling. We’re falling. I swear, I’ve felt this before. It’s a rush baby. It’s a feeling that I love. It’s a chemical reaction. It’s a tingle in your veins. It’s a warm summer breeze before the rain. Yeah, we’ve felt this before. I can’t remember what it’s called. What’s it called, baby? What is that word we said? I’m not sure. I can’t recall. We’re so far in, we’re almost ready to fall. Fall into the waves that rush against the sea. ‘Cause we’re moving backwards, you see. We’re a variant wind drifting through the night. We’re singing along in the sky. We have it all, but we’re too scared to try. We’re in this crazy realm that I can’t recall. We might make it after all. We just might make it after all.
Where are you darling? Where are you now? Don’t tell me this hasn’t crossed your mind. What if we never forget each other? Some days I wish you’d forget about me. Some days I wish I could forget about you. But I don’t know when that day’s coming. So I’ll keep waiting for something better. Hoping for something, even though I’m running out of hope. Dreaming for something better, even though you still haunt my dreams. Wishing for something better, even though sometimes I still wish for you. Believing in someone better, even though I still believe in you…
Can you hear me darling? Or is this just another dream. Am I dreaming of you.. ? Where are we..?
Dazed and Confused
I love this movie. It’s amazing. It’s not anything spectacular. There are no stunning visual effects. It didn’t win millions of awards. It’s just a simple story about teenagers having a fun time. But the simplicity is where the beauty really lies in this movie. And I love it… 🙂
Change is a Good thing
I know that I shouldn’t count down the days until this school year will be over, but it seems that’s all I’m doing anymore. All I can do now is try to enjoy myself while it’s happening and move on. But sometimes, I just get upset. I get mad at myself for not picking the right college. I knew that the day that I moved in, it was just not the place for me. I guess there was some underlying reason that I picked that college. Maybe I wasn’t ready for the craziness at the other college that I’m going to attend next year. But this year has just been a living hell. I don’t like the people I’m surrounded by. I don’t like their negativity. I don’t like the place I’m at. I don’t like the people there in general. I can’t wait to leave and move on to better things. I hope this year flies by quickly. I used to think change was a bad thing, but now I realize it can be a blessing.
The thoughts that cross a troubled mind
Sometimes, I have too much time to think. Mainly this time is aquired by avoiding other tasks… But that’s not the point of this blog. 🙂 Sometimes I think that we were born in the wrong time. But that just contradicts with another theory that I believe: determinism. I believe that things happen for a reason. As Albert Einstein once said, “God does not play dice.” He believed in determinism. And this is what I believe also. But I still wonder what it would be like if I was born in a different time period. Was I purposefully not born in a different time period because of determinism? Or is my theory of determinism and search for stability in this world completely wrong? Maybe I should’ve been born in a different time period. I feel like I don’t belong in the one I’m in now. But maybe this will change. Perhaps I will finally find my place in this strange world afterall.
Some Random Facts… And a little more
10 Little Known Facts about Me:
1. I’m stubborn.
2. I’m a bit of a nerd.
3. I like to drive fast, and I love cars.
4. There are certain people that just piss me off… No matter how hard I try.
5. I’d rather tell a stranger my secrets than some of my best friends.
6. I love snakes, lizards, and worms, but if there’s a spider in the room, I will flip the hell out.
7. I change my mind a lot. But for good reasons. I like to get the facts straight.
8. Few people do I actually trust fully. I’m hard to win over.
9. If you want my friendship, you’re going to have to be honest with me. No exceptions.
10. There’s a time for jokes and a time to be serious. I don’t get along well with people who don’t know the difference.
Well, there you go. Just a little look into my life and my view on it. 🙂
If Someone Could Tell me Where I Belong…
Please. I’m so lost. I don’t know where I am or what I’ve become. Please help me. Save me from myself. I am falling again. I’m falling, and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to get back again. Please, if you can hear me, save me.
fallinthesea 